Is having a baby good or bad for your career?

I gave birth to my daughter In July 2020 and as we all know that was pretty much right in the middle of the global Pandemic. My mother had had a stroke a few months before the birth which pushed her further into the vulnerable group and put more strain onto already frayed relationships within the family. I became somewhat estranged with no support network around me during a time that I needed it most and just like for a lot of people 2020 turned into one of the most isolating years I’d ever experienced.

There are so many angles that I could approach the topic of motherhood from but in terms of how it effects creativity, goal setting and ambition I imagine that the range of experiences differ tremendously from person to person depending on personality type, upbringing and the state of your mental health in general - not to mention the threat of a genuine cataclysmic event and facing Mortal peril.

Before becoming a mother I’d have described myself as a performing artist who dabbled in radio presenting, choreography and writing but was too scared to really give the writing a go. I had this idea that I’d be a health adviser, therapist of some kind or counsellor one day in the distant future when I earned my wisdom. I had a stint where I started an inclusive Acting agency representing people from typically unseen and underserved communities. I felt like this was the perfect way for me to direct my need to help others but if I’m honest I couldn’t get on board with privilege and snobbery of the industry- aspects that are exaggerated and unavoidable when you work on the back end. In hindsight It was another way to hide myself and not go for the big dream. Doing something that is a worthy cause feels easier to justify than something that doesn’t seem to benefit as many people. Now don’t get me wrong I believe that worthy causes are incredibly important but the choice to make one your life’s work has got to come from a pure heart. Acting agent wasn’t the right kind of service for me because I had apprehension and a feeling of mistrust and concern for my clients’ well-being in an industry that was notoriously abusive, neglectful and toxic and that’s all before you even get to the trials of fame.

So back to the drawing board I go and I kept coming back to a life of service as well as a life where I pursued the things I loved that mainly benefited me like acting and singing. What was really getting in my way was not what to do but the how to get past my blockages. I was often wracked with general anxiety health anxiety and I had self esteem issues. I struggled to value my life and although that had greatly improved since finding Buddhism and fighting for my life during chemotherapy I still had an underlying feeling of unworthiness. These issues affected all of the things that I loved to do like performing and often stopped me from pursuing my writing because who was going to care what my point of view or opinion was. One day it hit me that the service I wanted to provide people with most was to help them feel at ease, connected, loved and safe because that’s what I struggled to feel myself. I couldn’t stop thinking about the idea of my service somehow practically helping me and tending to my own needs simultaneously. The system of Yoga seemed to answer that question. You can’t learn it, share it and heal with it without benefiting from it yourself and healing yourself.

So how does this relate to motherhood you say. Well it all might seem like I finally had it all figured out right? Keep pursuing performing arts whilst taking a more serious step into the health and wellness industry and fix my anxiety and self esteem a long the way. Easy peasy right? Wrong. I mean, yes I’d already come a long long way in terms of understanding myself and shedding some demons but In reality I was paralysed with fear and loathing. I couldn’t quite get the motivation I needed in order to make real changes and commit to a new focus and way of life. I lacked urgency and an iron clad reason for this change in direction. My why was weak and so trepidation ensued. I continued to Bob around auditioning and taking odd teaching jobs until my husband and I sat down and decided it was time to start a family. I immediately felt like this was the opportunity I needed in order to make real changes in my life. I wanted Trimester Zero to be as healthy as possible and so that incentivised my decision to drop the late night gigging and the unsociable hours of Musical Theatre. It made me think about how my career would fit into family life and I felt as though teaching yoga was held on a pedestal due to its flexibility and even the possibility of including baby. It’s not as if the decision to have a baby put my wellness the career on the map- that seed has been planted many many years ago- but it certainly made the transition from idea to action much easier. I studied and passed my practical exam during my pregnancy and then continued to study by support myself through teaching dance to secondary school children. I felt confident about my new path and choices.

Cut to the birth and for me having a baby was like taking Ayahuasca - not that I have tried it - but it’s described as creating an altered sense or reality, momentarily rewiring the synapses and restarting the endocrine system so that you feel as if endorphins, seratonin and Dopamine -to name a few of the good ones- are being main lined into your veins.

I came away from the birthing experience including those blissful teary weeks that followed feeling as though parts of me had been softened. The parts of me that had ossified during chemotherapy, bad boyfriends and drug debauchery. The parts of me that worried about everything little insignificant thought that I thought someone had though about me. The parts of me that stopped dancing because I wasn’t good enough. The parts of me that felt so much fear of failure.

It wasn’t that none of it mattered anymore. Not quite. It was something more along the lines of admitting that they did matter but that they were not the most important experiences that I needed to cherish in my life. It lowered the stakes but gave me the insight to be honest about desiring success in the way that society describes it. Suddenly success meant something different to me. Feeding and changing by baby and giving myself a wash for the day was my new kind of success and it reminded me how lucky I was to have two arms inveigh to Freddie my child, running water to wash her and taught me to narrow my gaze when looking for purpose and a achievement.

When it came time to think about career again which came up for me around the 6 months postnatal mark I found it incredibly difficult to justify being away from my young baby. I think my feelings were exacerbated by the genuine fear of the pandemic. No career opportunity felt important enough to interrupt my new mum flow. Secondary school teaching what? Yoga why? Actor in Hollywood who? It took a good 18 months for me to really want anything to change and then once the idea was planted I became hungry for again. Me, my mind, my ideas. Independence, security and contribution. I felt like I wanted it all on my teens too. If I could I wanted to bypass the gyms and the studios and get straight into attracting and serving my own clients. I felt even more convinced that the wellness industry was where I belonged and I also felt more sure that I shouldn’t give up on my acting and singing career.

I was and am able to use the security and embrace of my new family as a catalyst for inspiration and productivity whilst pursuing things my life that would have usually rendered me crippled with fear because the stakes were so high. Now, they are mere like cherries on top of an already bountiful cake. The joys of my career or careers would become bonus aspects added to an already somewhat content life rather than them being the whole shebang. Being happy and content as a mother has the affect of taking away the unnecessary nerves associated with frets of the ego but keep the passion and excitement for a meaningful project.

Now don’t get me wrong the whole childcare thing and expenses and logistics of juggling a baby with creativity time and work time is a while different blog. I will have to save that for another day. Overall, I don’t think I would have launched my own business this early in my career if it wasn’t for the pandemic and for my baby and i embrace it all.